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Hello again from the comfortable – albeit musty – confines of my pet Doug’s townhouse. If you were negligent in reading my first web article, thy name is Trinity, and I was once an inmate at the Humane Society of Park County. I have no fond memories, let me doggedly assure you.
Don’t get me wrong, those who run the HSPC do the best they can to make the best of a bad situation, but a cage, by its very nature is not “humane,” and nothing more than a prison. A hound needs a home and a loving hand to hold.
Me? I now have my pet Doug. From the day I set paw into his filthy kitchen – under the guise of a quote, unquote “temporary foster pet” I says to myself, “Yep, I’m home.” When I playfully engaged the first kitten I saw, I knew I wouldn’t be leaving. As I always say, “Discretion is sometimes the better part of squalor.”
I treat the guy with respect and as an equal, and in return, I get blind loyalty, total acceptance, and unconditional love. My-y-y Doug… I think I’ll keep him.
Today, I offer a brief overview on issues facing our society today. I want this in no way to be taken as a possible solicitation for public office. The only thing I’ll run for, is the field across the street from our townhouse, where I run my pet Doug nearly every evening. With the high cholesterol and extra winter flab he’s sporting, it’s something he needs, but I just pray it doesn’t kill him. Because I will NOT go back to “that place.”
So without any further doo doo, let’s chew the fat:
TRINITY ON ANIMAL ABUSERS: Got to be a hot spot in hell for these people. I hear about it all the time, and it makes me want to throw up on the carpet. What kind of being takes pleasure in hurting anything, much less an innocent animal? What kind of evil lurks in a heart that can’t feel the pain and terror of another and try to prevent it at any cost?
But it’s their enablers that really jerk my chain. The prosecutors, the judges, the juries who release them with just a slap on the paw, free and encouraged to abuse again. What isn’t obvious about the fact that this kind of heartlessness will be manifested onto a human – often a child – soon enough? Even if these authority figures aren’t animal lovers for some catty reason, can’t they see that if a jerk would hurt a fine animal like myself, what’s to keep them from hurting a slightly inferior lifeform? They just don’t get it!
TRINITY ON WOLVES: I dunno; this one’s too controversial for me. I’m already in the doghouse over my position on the spotted owl issue. The wolves are my distant cousins, so it may be considered a conflict of interest anyhoo, for me to comment further. I’ve put my paw in my mouth too many times, so I’ll let the powers that be sort it out. The only problem is, the powers that be, tend to be pretty doggone stupid sometimes, and try to fix one extreme with another. Dog eat dog world or not, my motto is still “live and let live.”
TRINITY ON GUILT: I have little time for guilt. I find it a negative emotion, and instead choose to live my life in such a way that doesn’t invite it. For instance, when my pet Doug goes to the kitchen for a glass of milk, it’s not lost on me that I could drag his pork chop from the coffee table, and he’d be none the wiser until long after I’ve squeezed my butt through the pet door. But I choose not to.
And it has little to do with repercussions. First of all, the well-meaning pansy doesn’t have a clue about discipline; I’ve been swatted harder by kittens than he’s capable of. Besides, I know if I sit near that coffee table and give him what I call my “sad eye treatment,” there will be plenty of juicy bites to come. Ironically enough, he’s always telling anyone who will listen, “I just can’t understand why Trinity has gotten so fat.” Hey, no skin off MY nose; I’m neutered anyway. (But do me a favor: next time you hear him tell his lame story about me and the pet door, tell him, “I’d like to see YOU try to get your ass through any pet door.” That’ll shut him up).
Nope, no guilt… well, maybe just a twinge when I pass gas, (usually after pizza night) and allow witnesses to glower suspiciously at my pet Doug. Seeing him sheepishly squirm does make me feel bad, but my way of coping is to just pretend I’m asleep, or suddenly chasing a bug. Hey, no one really gets hurt by it, and it’s not like he’s a social butterfly to begin with.
In a way, it’s damage control. If this guy starts dating or something, or God forbid, marries, my nights on the bed could be numbered. I’ve heard the horror stories of women coming in and screwing up a perfect life. I don’t blame them – it’s in their girly nature to resent floating hairs and unidentified smells. They’re cute people, but WE don’t need em’.
TRINITY ON POLITICS: First of all, if I WERE ever to bite a human, which I won’t, it would be that Hannity guy on Hannity & Colmes. I’m a Democrat, while my pet is a “repentant Republican,” but let’s not make this a partisan issue. That Hannity mutt is a rude, obnoxious, bully. I’m serious: I wouldn’t mind taking a chunk out of his keester, just so he’d know how one of his guests who disagree with him feel when he starts ripping their… well, you get my drift.
As far as wars, I’ll never understand why everyone wants to rule the world. When you boil all the fat off the bone, the only things that matter is eating, sleeping, playing, loving others, and sniffing a good tail once in a while. If you have those things, you already rule your world, anyway.
It’s like cats. They’re supposed to be my natural enemy, but why? They ain’t hurtin’ me. Heck, we have five of them running around this townhouse. Personally, I think litter boxes are obscene and offensive… what do they think neighbor’s lawns are for? But would my life be any richer were they not around? I think not.
Occasionally, in a moment of suicidal forgetfulness, one – usually the stupid gray one, Grady – will fly into that hissy, swatty mode when I amble by, but I find a good wrinkling of my long honker, a big dose of exposed teeth, and a frantic dance on the linoleum with my clacking toenails, remedies the situation quickly. They scadaddle faster than a Republican at a gay rights parade.
TRINITY ON DENTAL CARE: While on the subject of teeth, this is another vastly overrated issue. All these tartar control snacks and tasteless rawhide bones… keep ‘em and give me a good pork chop or spaghetti. I’ve come to accept that I’ll never achieve that pretty, yellowish hue on my teeth that my pet Doug has. There’s worse things than white, shiny teeth, and I’m not about to start drinking hot liquids in the middle of summer, or sticking mud in my lip to change it.
Like we used to say around the shelter when the boredom got unbearable: “White is quite all right, especially at night. (We used to make a lot of rhyming funnies like that to pass the time. It beat watching the boring ant races).
But in closing, if I might repeat: READ MY LIPS; I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK THERE!!! And if you can, please rescue some of my friends, like Rain and Snuggles, two long-termers who I fear may lose hope as I nearly did. And you may have read the article in Wed, Nov.7th issue of the Cody Enterprise, about a special need doggie named Pepe’. He’s a wonderful guy who’s temporarily staying with Cathi, at 587-5964, but desperately needs a permanent home. I recommend this fellow personally; you have my word that he’ll pay you a lifetime of loyal, appreciative reward, just like I do for this fat, aging hippie. Until next time, AARF!
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